mmk, so, the beau_ryter era of my journal is over.
a while ago all the entries that i've made throughout the years has disappeared. and i should have done this a while ago. i'm making a clean slate. i'm starting a new journal tonight. comment and let me know if i should add you as a friend and such. most of you will be added at my disgression or something. i'm tired. so are you ready for the new name?
it's such a drastic change.

beau_ryan

so i'm in dublin. it's swell. i can drink beer. and i'm quite good at it, i think. guiness is good. killkenny in not good. i want to try Murphys. I have yet to find the boondock saints and i am looking for a gay bar to go to. ricky is more than happy to join me on my adventure to gay ireland. i hope his gf doesn't mind. it's okay, he still talks about how much he misses her. poor kid. anyways, i haven't decided to stay forever yet, but we're staying till next wednesday.

oh yeah, and if you forgot, it's my birthday. and if you didn't send me a happy birthday email then i hate you. i'm not sure what time it is in az. it's 1950 here. yes, militery time. international time too. woot

i've been keepin a jounral of all of our fun and frustration. it's kinda cool. i don't wanna miss my emt class. that'd be sad. oh well. i need to go find some fun gay place to go or my homosexuality will wither up and die. that'd be a shame. oh, and urba outfitters is international. but it sucks here. for shame.

so i miss you all and have a swell spring break. hopefully i'll see you soon. gbye.

i spoke with my mom and dad today. i'm gonna be leaving this summer, for real.
i'm leaving, i'm gonna go work on life. work on myself. but i'll be doing it by helping other people. i'll have my emt cert. and the program i'm going with will contribute to my field work required become a paramedic.
i'm not quite sure how long i'm gonna be in the program. they have a couple weeks to a couple years. both my parents agree to pay for me to go, and are gonna give me a living allowance for my work, and still pay for school once i'm ready.

i'm seriously considering med school. i never really thought of myself as a doctor, but it's very appealing at this point in my life. we'll see what happens when i get home.

so yeah... i need to set a date when i'm gonna leave with the whole thing. ironically one of the summer dates is June 6th. june sixth would be the year anniversary of dave and i. it would also be the 4 month anniversary of not talking to him. hmm. it seems fit. once huge life change to another.

****

my emotions lately have been hard to determine. i wonder if i'm moving on or if i'm just getting used to the feeling that i continue to have. i want to just be better. i'm glad that he's happy. really, i am. cause i know how he looks, and smiles, and laughs when he's happy. and i haven't been able to do that for him in a long time, so it's good that someone can. i guess i still wish it were me.

****

tonight someone told me i was "wise" and had an "old soul." because i was giving advice about personal behavior and relationships and crap like that. it was good advice, i think. but it's not the route which i have taken. and for a second i just realized how much of a hypocrite i am, or can be, or something. i wonder what it is that makes it so difficult to make good decisions for ourselves, yet it's so easy to see the answer for someone outside of you. objectiveness is a good thing. i just wish i were able to... i don't know. get the objective pov of myself from someone else... or do i get it? i dont' know, maybe if i listen to what people tell me.

****

there's times when you just have to question what it is that you belive in and what's important to you. lately, i haven't been able to answer those questions. i believe in god, cause it's hard not to when he sends you a bracelet that tells you to have faith, but what is is in life that i value? i just can't figure that out. i don't know what's important to me, i want to see what life is like without all of the trivial things that i worry about. i dont' need to worry about whether or not i look cool enough to go to work, or if i can buy a dvd, or where i live. yes, where i live is trivial too. in the end, i want to look back and say that i have something worth while. and i'm proud of where i am and what i've done.

my goal for this year is to be more than me. to be better than me, and to become someone who is more than who i am right now. someone who can help others cause they've helped themselves.

how many entries have i made like this? it's cause i haven't gotten fixed yet. soon.

on the other side i can just not come home from spring break and i can just find a nice rich irish sugar daddy.

spanish class has meaning again. aside from getting another a on an exam, spanish boy has returned. and he has returned cuter and buffer than before.
his two weeks of absence was due to his confinement at Tent City. yes, my hot spanish boy was a convict for two weeks or whatever. on the plus side, he got off 6 days early for good behavior. which is cool.... we're supposed to hang out after class next week, or this weekend, depending on my work schedule... le sigh...
i've gone from a cop to a convict. hah. there's a change of pace.
just not. i don't know if he's gay. but he's a cute straight boy to crush on.

i have to work today... blah. i don't wanna! i'm registering with luis. which should be fun.

****

and 11 hours later....

i registered today with luis and it was fun. too fun in fact. i didn't feel like i was working. so that's good. yay for friends at work... his boyfriend... very very hot. i'll have to hang out with him and trenton more often. woot.

now, i'm going to make chocolate cake and watch the oc. yay for lameness.

that's right, you're jealous

on a stranger note, i was woken up this morning by scottsdale pd. they came looking for dave, cause apparently he's missing? he didn't show up to work and they couldn't get ahold of him and my address was the only one they had for him. so he made me get my phone and call him, and i wasn't allowed to tell him that the cop was there. it was kinda scary. then he started asking me if he was mentally competent or if he drank a lot. it was weird. then he started asking me if i knew where he was last night. i dunno. very strange. all of this while i was half asleep and trying to get ready for my midterm.

****

i had my midterm and got the 6th best grade in the class out of 26. not too shabby, i don't think. i was proud. and my teacher is gonna set me up to go on a ride along with his department. he's gonna be a chief for the new Scottsdale FD. so i figure if i get in his good graces then maybe he'll be looking to hire someone he likes.
on the downside of me becoming a firefighter paramedic boy, my dad has rural metro as a client. my dad's business was hired to make sure that the FDs had been hiring equal opportunity and stuff. they haven't. apparently for the last 4 years it's been mostly white males. and so they don't like my dad very much. damn... now my last name is a burden.

so they might not hire me cause they dont' like him. on a happier note, maybe they want to be in his good graces? and so they will hire me? plus, i'm mexican, equal opportunity bitches.

something happened yesterday, no, two days ago? i think. yes.
do you ever ask god for a sign? just to know that things can be okay. to find some sort of peace, and trust that things will work out the way they're meant to be. even if it's not what you want right now. believing that "some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

this is called Faith. a part of it anyway. i suppose that faith is far more expansive than that little paragraph. but it's a part of it. and that part applies to me very much right now.

i took off my cross. i always wear it. with the exception of when i wore the ring on my chain instead, i've worn it since i bought it at the church on the hill in sedona. elyse and i went up there shortly after she came home from having her baby. standing in the tiny church with elyse, i knew i loved her. not like i wanted to marry her, but i wanted to be someone for her, help her get through life, be a friend. i bought us both crosses that day.
i took off my cross, cause i've been questioning my ability to not only help people get through their lives, but simply get through my own. it didn't hold the meaning that it used to.

i've been struggling with having hope and faith for the last three weeks, since dave and i haven't spoken to each other. i wonder what will happen, and if i will get past it all. or even if i want to get past it. i mean, how good is the love if you can forget it? i'd like to think that i won't forget it. i haven't yet. but 3 weeks isn't very long as far as life is concerned. i can't quite believe that this is forever. that's a long time.

so i struggle every day with the consequences of the choices that i've made. and wonder if i could have changed it. i don't know. i can't know. i can only wonder, and that won't make anything different, or better. and i guess i've started to accept that.

i asked for a sign, from god or something, and i received it. it's as obvious as they come. junior showed up at work today, and i had not seen him since melissa's birthday. he had a bracelet which i stole. written on the bracelet, a single word.
FAITH .
in caps and bolded just like you see here. that was my sign. that's what i can look at when i get angry, or sad, or frustrated, when i don't know what to think. i can read that, and believe that things will work out the way they are meant to. just like my mom says. i'll have that love and happiness again one day, whether it's with him or someone else. it's a fact that i'll find it again.

remember me wanting to be a firefighter? yeah...
i definitely passed the written exam.

not only that, i was one point away from a perfect score.

wow. i'm getting As on my spanish tests, my emt tests, and almost perfect on my fire fighter test... who i knew i could that.

this is fun. so now i just have to hope tempe calls me for an interview. humble is a good thing. but yeah. it's exciting. i've only told one person, cause no one else is answering their phones. damn busy people. oh well... my emt friend Erika said she could get me a job as a dispatcher for rural metro... i feel like i'd be copying dave though. weird.

plus, i dunno. i don't know.

okay, so one of my favorite shows is Third Watch. A&E plays old episodes of it every day, which is cool. i don't really watch them anymore cause i've gotten so busy.
thanks to tivo it gets recorded everyday, and sometimes i can watch it when i get extra time.

so i decided to watch yesterdays episode. and as it turns out, it's the first episode i ever saw of third watch... kinda cool. i think i'll save it and transfer it, maybe burn it on a dvd...

there's a little bit of nostalgia for you.

aw, so i'm in love with a boy.
his name is john. and he's the gardener boy on desperate housewives.
either that or.... whoever the red headed lady's son who's on the swimteam.... drool.

i'm in a good mood cause i got food with my new friend philip from spanish class. we both aced the test. god i love that class. it's actually fun. i made friends with a girl that's in the army. she's familiar with elyse's job and her... what do you call it? camp? or something? i dunno. she can beat me up, which is cool.

last night drew and erika from my emt class came over. it was fun. we were making emt jokes... kinda. i thought they were funny. so we made good food. then ryan freeman and mark taylor came over. they want each other's junk. kinda. i don't know. they confuse me. oh well.

there was other stuff that i was thinking about. oh yeah, i have a dance lesson with georgia today. i'm excited. i'm actually getting kinda good. go me. i should get an award or something.

hehe, with my newfound coordination i'm actually starting to appreciate hip hop dance sorta music... i know. i said i'd never. but i didn't think i'd ever be able to dance either.

so yeah. i think i'm done for now. nothing too exciting.

oh yeah... i have to go to court tomorrow morning for my speeding ticket. damn indians. i'll take you out foo. oh well. i get to be my own attorney. or just go to driving school.

a good night of sleep. tylenol pm is my friend.
i had dinner with my mom last night. it was funny, i mentioned lent, and she asked when it started.... last wednesday i replied. it was worse when she asked what i gave up... "sex in all forms" i replied. to which she asked "are you having lots of sex?" and i simply said, "no, but there's potential and i don't want it. and in my mothers true form, all she said was, "good, keep it in your pants."

luckily everyone wasn't around to hear it. no, wait... it's a shame. it was funny.

so i'm definitely going to ireland over spring break. ricky and i are going to have so much fun... omg. and we may meet up with melissa in england!!! oh god, i just peed myself.

that's all. i have emt homework to finish.

tonight it's been one week without contact with dave. god it sucks. god i want him back. i don't even know how long this feeling will go on. i suppose i can just burry it in work and school and the mess that is my life. ew. look at me, i'm so emo.

but really. i mean, there have been days where i've gone almost hours without thinking about him. i suppose that says something. but, like at work, i'll be doing the mechanical stuff that doesn't require thought, and he comes into my head. and all i can think about is him and i.

i can feel myself trying to replace him. not replace him, but find someone else to want. not want him. make it easier or something. i don't know. i can tell it's happening though, which is a good thing. i almost still feel obligated to not see anyone until he's seen 4 people. hah. not like i would know. he doesn't let me read his journal. that really sucks. i mean... i'm the person that he's hiding everything from. his whole friends only thing is specifically for me. that just sucks. i suppose i see his reasoning. that doesnt' make it any easier.

tomorrow is valentines day. i wish i could have spent it with him. a month after that is my birthday. god i want him to be there.

i'd sure like to be sleeping right now.

things to do tomorrow:
1. sell my stupid hat that i never wore.
2. schedule appointment with georgia.
3. buy stuff for dinner with my mom.
4. survive another day at work.
5. work on finding satisfaction in my life.

all but the last shouldn't be to difficult.

so i've been turned off from filmmaking since the "post production" of my last film. i've found inspiration.
new life experiences channeled through snow patrol and i have a new film in the making. it will be fun, it will be digital, and i will express every emotion in me that feels captive.

wow. tonight rocked.
after studying for only 1 hour an entire module in my emt book, i passed the test. not oly did i pass the test, i got an A. Not only did I get an A, I got the second highest grade in the class. who's a good little emt? i am!

if i could dance well, i would right now. happy dance fool.

after that i went with a group of kids from class, erika, drew, and trichelle. we went to some place that was like z-tejas but better lit. but i had really good steak with crazy butter!!

i laughed nonstop for like two hours. it was just really fun.
interesting quotes....

"I do not have syphilis!" -erika

"But I like assholes" -Me

"I'm not a nympho, I'm canadian." -Drew.

"Why do I always get stuck being the black woman?" -Trichelle.

a little insight to the kids in my emt class.
it was incredibly entertaining when erika choked on her food, we were all just waiting, hoping we could practice some of our skills. sadly no cpr for us. it's a shame. oh well.

so elyse called me today. we talked for over an hour. it was nice. i hadn't talked to her in a long time... it was weird.

while i was talking to her i was listening to the ataris just by coincidence. elyse and i discovered the ataris together in junior high, some random show, and we fell in love with them. i used to listen to them alot and it would make the think about her, and how much i cared about her, it would make me happy. they eventually just reminded me of how much i wanted to be with her and could not. the ataris became my sad sorta depressing music.

i applied the ataris to dave as well. there was a song about dreaming of moving to california and never spending a night alone again. they made me really happy when i would listen to it. listening to them made me sad, for a long time. since we broke up basically. today though, i was listening to it, and i realized it made me happy.

that's when i realized, i can have that. i can have that dream. obviously, i would love to have that dream with dave, and i don't plan on pursing anything else right now. but things work out the way they are meant to. and if dave and i work out, then it's meant to be. and if it doesn't that means there's something better out there for me.

now that's something to look forward to.

( here's the song lyrics if you're curious. )

oh yea, that's right. i rock. uh huh.
i had my first dance lesson with georgia from ryan and sean's dance studio place. i kicked ass. i am so going to have lessons there all the time. luckily ryan and sean aren't there that early, so they didn't see me. well, sean was there, but that's only cause i told him to be. but he didn't watch. that's a good bitch.

my next goal: put myself through lessons by purely bringing in new students. i figure i can get my mom and bill, melissa, and maybe michelle, she likes salsa stuff. woot. who else? i'll get you, just watch. i'll even pay for your first three lessons. it's only 5 bucks, and it'll get me a 45 minute real lesson. ha! i am sparticus!

i did the rumba, the tango, and some swing. swing is fun. but i like latin dancing alot more. i just can't wait till i can do it all dirty! haHA!

****

yesterday was a pretty good day. i hung out with this kid junior and this girl adrienne from Buffalo. it was cool. i was fun to expand a bit. they kept trying to figure out if i was straight of gay. hah. i was being terribly ambiguous. it was fun. up until the point where we saw Alex of Sam & Alex at urban outfitters, that kinda blew my cover. i gave him my number, so i think melissa and i are gonna go hang out with him. that'll be cool... getting back to my roots. or something. whatever.

so that was cool... and... something else. oh yeah, P.F. Changs... so so good. addison taylor and i hung out last night too. the owner of pf changs wanted to be his sugar daddy when he was working at Dick's. damn mark, i could have had free chinese food, but no, he had to go hand have morals and shit. bastard.

now what? i have my emt class in a couple hours. that's gonna be fun. we get to practice breathing for people. dummys anyway. i have a cool mask now. i'll be so much better that everyone else. bitches.

****

so after my dance lesson, sean and i walked down to sprouts and i decided to get fat. i bought a scone, a bag of licorice, a bag of carmel squares, a bag of salt water taffy (for sean), a package of gummy strawberries (no bears, since i have a 5 pound bag of gummy bears at home), milk chocolate bars with almonds in them, a caesar salad, a bottle of water, and a rose (to thank georgia for teaching me cool dance shit). yeah, i ate it all. just not. i have like, one of each.

so yeah, i think i'm going to re-read my last chapter for my emt class. it doesn't hurt for asthma boy to be well educated on the functions of his respiratory system.

oh yeah, and to go with my new latin dancing, i aced my first spanish Test. who's a mexican dancing boy. uh huh, you know you're jealous.

god i love top gun. it's like the ultimate man movie, and if you're gay, it's the ultimate homoerotic film.

"this give's me a hardon."
"don't tease me."

Script Analysis a la Tarantino
written by Duane Dell'Amico, Roger Hedden, Neal Jimenez, Joe Keenan, Rory Kelly, & Michael Steinberg




Sid: You want subversion on a massive level. You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? Top Gun.
Duane (Todd Field): Oh, come on.
Sid: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.
Duane: It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.
Sid: It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're' saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.
Duane: What about Kelly McGillis?
Sid: Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie... He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'm do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. Okay, now let me just ask you--I'm gonna digress for two seconds here. I met this girl Amy here, she's like floating around here and everything. Now, she just got divorced, right?...All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!

****

so yeah. i had my first EMT test today. i got exactly what i expected to get, which is good. an 85 percent. i really should have studied though, i could have gotten an A. oh well, there's always next time.

i have a spanish test tomorrow. i need to study for that too. wow my tummy hurts. i made mac & cheese with brownies for dinner. i need to buy meat.

my head still hurts. i think i have a migraine. that would be bad. everything is kinda over exposed. i think i may go to sleep soon. but not before i do spanish homework.

oh wow... so tired. i have a job. go worker boy. i like buffalo. it's cool. my name is beau there. woot. i rock my world. oh god, so much has happened. erin, ryan, and sean want to go to hot pink... but i don't think i am up for that. loud music and what not.

i really like working at buffalo so far. they really aren't very organized as far as training goes, which i don't mind, cause i get to just figure it out on my own. although I did have to take a couple quizzes on customer service and buying stuff.
the really cool thing is that I'm a buyer trainee, and I get to buy from customers and stuff. so i'm being trained on brands and how to tell how old or new a product is depending on the tag and all that stuff. it's really cool. i never really thought about being a buyer before. but it looks like it's gonna be fun.
i like the people that i'm working with. there's only like 4 guys that work at the store. out of like... 35 or something. it's ridiculous. but yeah. there's this guy that used to always check out me and sean when we went in. and now he was hitting on me. he's not very cute. but he's nice. and he has a boyfriend for forever, so props to him.

it's weird, the people that are there have been there for like, years and years. i hope i don't end up getting stuck there. scary.


anyways, other stuff is good. i got a 90 on my first spanish quiz. and i think i'm going to ace my EMT exam. which is exciting. that the class i'm the most freaked out about. it's just really scary, and i'm afraid i won't be able to do it all, cause there's just SO much. it's crazy. like 3 kids have already dropped the class and we've only had 4 classes so far
or 3. i can't remember. oh well.

i'm getting so busy all of the sudden, which is good. i really want this semester to go by fast. i want it to be summer.

kill bill vol. 1 is on... i'm debating if i wanna watch it. I prefer the second one much more. it had far more character development and plot to it. oh well. i'd like to rip them onto my computer, then re edit them together to make it whole.

and this is the end.
i can't write this.

today started so early. like 330am early. it was weird. i woke up, and i was sure it was like 630... but it wasn't. it was a good three hour away from it. wow. it sucked. i was decently away too. dave came by and dropped off my dress shoes, insisting that i get up at eat breakfast so that i am prepared for my Fire Fighter Fitness & Conditioning class.

after a healthy dose of poptarts and a cup of cran-apple juice, i proceeded to chug a bottle of water. yay hydration. (it can kill you if you're not careful. refer to cabin fever for more info.) that gave me a stomach ache. anyway, i dressed for my class, and then fell asleep for another hour. luckily i awoke with a happy tummy.

my Fitness and Conditioning class proved to be educational. I got to show off my EMT skills. everyone in the class had to have their blood pressure taken. although i hadn't learned how to do it, i'd learned from a fellow emt. woot. so i took blood pressure. while i know how to do it, i don't know what it means. i got 110/70. i'm pretty sure that's low blood pressure... more fast food and caffeine for me i suppose.

we toured the gym then worked out for a little while. and i was surprised to find the not only the majority, but every single person in the SCC fitness center was retired. literally. i believe our class were the only people there, aside from the staff that was under the age of 50 maybe even 60.

the class got to laugh at me when a very old man (and i mean very old; so old that he was shaking and he had snot dripping from his face and was carrying a cane) grabbed my arm and turned me toward him and said "How about I trade you my experience for your youth." i stared at him blankly for a few moments, then realized he actually wanted an answer. i simply replied, "oh, well, i don't know... *nervous laugh*"

then i ran away and hid. not really. but it was an ice breaker. i made friends. i don't know their names yet. but i made friends. sadly with a class of 20 or so, there are only 2 boys that i consider cute. sad day. oh well. everyone in there is bigger than me. either in height or bulk. mostly in bulk. there's one kid that's a EMT and he's scrawny like me in jr high, but 6'2. it was weird. he was nice, he took my blood pressure. yay bonding.

then i exercised a bit, but not too much cause we weren't required to, but i figured, why not? i then came home and showered. met my dad for lunch at his house, hung out with my sister.

i went to school talked to my espanol teacher about missing class for my uncles funeral. she didn't have a problem. that was good. i went to nordstroms and exchanged an ugly shirt for a cool one. came home, ironed the shirt. and now i must go to EMT class. then get to Chandler 30 minutes after class for the wake. yay....

that's my nutshell bitch.